Moments that Break Your Heart -- Take Three

Last time I did this, some readers added some of their own in the comments. 
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She's 3. Her mother is working hard on her case plan and they will certainly be reunified...eventually. One night, she talks about how much she loves this toy that she has at your house. You casually mention that she can take it with her when she goes back to Mommy's house. She replies, "I don't want to go to Mommy's house. I want to stay here."
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He's 10 months old. He's been in your home a week. Already, when you try to leave him with someone else, he cries and reaches back for you. When you return, he lights up and reaches his arms out for you to pick him up again. Other adults coo, "Oh, he's so attached to you!"....
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She's 3. When it's her turn to say grace at the evening meal, she rambles on, mostly dropping in phrases that she remembers hearing others use when they pray. She thanks God for the food and for her "family and friends". She prays for face-less others, asking that God will "help them not be scared" or "help them not feel 'lone." And she always asks that God will help those same others "go to their Mommy's house."
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She's the biological mother of a child in your care. She has been working her plan with energy and enthusiasm, even volunteering for additional drug testing to prove herself and signing up for parenting classes above the minimum required for her case plan. During a routine phone call -- so that the child and Mom can talk more frequently than just at their semi-monthly visits -- she asks to speak to you. She asks if you've heard from her case worker. She wants to give him an update on how a certain part of her case plan is going, but he won't return her calls.
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She's 3. She's been saying ugly, mean things to other children. When you impose the consequence for such behavior, she begins to sob. "Mommy doesn't love me anymore."
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Child is in your care for a year. In that time, she has 4 caseworkers. When the fourth one comes onto the case -- 9 months in -- everything in the case plan for reunification is complete except for housing. The fourth caseworker is the one who realizes that the mother's current housing was never actually checked out to see if it would be acceptable. And it is.
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She's 3. She's been asking for a few weeks when she can "have a sleepover" at Mommy's house. You've told her you're waiting for the judge to say it's OK. When it's finally approved, you tell her she'll get to spend the night at the next visit. A few hours later, she says she wants you to come with her to Mommy's to spend the night, too.

Who They Are -- N

N was so close to being 10 months old when he arrived, we might as well have called him that. As I finally find time to write this post, he is 11 months old, having been here for over a month.

He is super sweet -- he hugs and snuggles and "kisses". He lights up when the people he loves appear....and he has quickly attached to me and to our oldest biological child. He is attaching more slowly to Mr D and the other two kids. And when I say "lights up", that almost understates it. He grins with his whole face, his sparkling eyes nearly disappearing in chubby baby cheeks, and his chin lifts up towards the person he is greeting. He waves his arms excitedly or lifts them towards me in request to be held and he kicks his feet furiously. (He's not standing alone yet.) If he's in crawling position already, he will head towards me (or Peter) at all speed.

I'm not as concerned about his attachment to me as I was at first, because he has shown some normal, age appropriate "stranger anxiety" as well. When I drop him off in the church nursery, he cries as soon as he realizes I am leaving, but he is fine in less than 5 minutes. When strangers in the grocery store try to talk to him, he stares at them blankly for a few minutes before maybe granting them a smile, a "word", or some hand clapping.

He does not like to be left to play alone, which is also age appropriate. He will entertain himself with toys for short periods if someone stays nearby -- I see him checking periodically to ensure I haven't snuck off -- which at least makes it possible for me to put his clean clothes away in his room! Mostly, though, he likes to play with someone or to be on the go somewhere.

We've had an assessment for developmental delays, and he is very slightly behind in motor skills and on target every where else. So, we will begin physical therapy soon.

He sleeps amazingly well and wakes up happy. Although I can tell that he likes some foods better than others, I've still never had him refuse one. (He will refuse food when he's full, so I don't think this is a "history of nutritional neglect" symptom; I think he's just what my mother used to call "a good eater.") Seriously, still the easiest baby I've ever had.

The CPS investigation into his injury is "complete", but everything is in something of a holding pattern because the police investigation isn't finished. I'm a little confused by all this, because I don't see how a child abuse investigation can be complete if we still don't know if there will be a criminal complaint filed. This is our first case in which child abuse charges have been considered. I suspect we will never really know if his injury is the result of some terrible accident or the effect of someone reaching a breaking point at which they snapped and hurt him; it seems to be clear that it was not part of a larger pattern of consistent, regular abuse.

I am finding it easier than I expected to set the "why" aside. I have trouble imagining him being difficult enough to lead anyone to that point (and I'm not naive about how difficult infants can be -- I had one with colic), but I've discovered that I just don't think about that all that much. The "what happened" and "why" are not our part of the the process. Our part of the process is to love on this little guy; to care for him and to ensure he is safe for the time that he is in our home. And that is what we will do. 

Still here

A quick, minimally edited, update to say that our latest little one ("N") is still here.

He's actually 10 months (not 9 months), which is close enough for foster care.

There's a medical issue that requires some follow up, but not much in the way of ongoing care. Just a few extra appointments. Oh, and a surgery. Which we've already done. It required an overnight stay in the hospital, so, of course, he is fine and I am still recovering from the night of regularly interrupted sleep.

He's the happiest, smiley-est baby I've ever met. His laugh is a delighted cackle that makes anyone within hearing distance grin. He sleeps all night long and still takes a long afternoon nap. He eats everything I've ever offered him.

He came to us from another foster placement. I was told on the initial call that it was just that the other family had taken in some relative kids and had to let him go. I've since had it hinted -- by multiple sources involved in the case -- that there were other issues with the previous foster family as well....my first brush with a "bad" foster home. (I don't think there were concerns of actual abuse -- he wasn't yanked out of there fast enough for that. Just a vague feeling that there wasn't enough interaction, maybe? I'm hoping to learn more when I finally get a chance for a private conversation with his county caseworker.) His bio-mom has commented that he seems much happier and relaxed with me than he did with the former foster mom.

He came with a small suitcase of clothes, some formula, some baby food, about 12 diapers and one bottle. And no instructions. Nothing about how often he was used to eating or sleeping. Nothing about how much he would eat at a feeding. Nothing about what soothing techniques were helpful or whether he was used to being rocked to sleep. Nothing about what he was and was not capable of doing developmentally.

It's a reunification case and he's been in care for about 3 months already.

He cries when anyone except his bio-family, Mr D or Peter try to take him from me. He does not cry when his bio-family give him back to me at the end of a visit. I am immensely grateful/relieved to find that the bio-family sees this behavior as reassuring, rather than threatening. (I think they see it as a sign that I must be caring for him well since he trusts me so much. I would have completely understood, however, if it broke his mama's heart to see him reach for me from her lap. Maybe it does, and she's just self-sacrificing enough to swallow that heartbreak for his greater good.)

Unfortunately, I do not speak his native language and his bio-mom does not speak mine. (Bio-dad speaks some English, and the caseworker and CASA are both bilingual.) I'm learning a few key words and phrases in their language ("food", "milk", "more", etc) and doing some signing with him, in hopes that it will translate back more smoothly than only teaching him English.

It looks like he has an excellent CASA.

I don't know how long he'll stay. I do know there was an injury, the cause of which is being investigated, so I think it's safe to assume he will stay until that investigation is complete.I don't know what the case plans look like. I do know that both mom and dad have one and they are working them. I think mom and dad are together and I know there are 3 older siblings, who are not currently in a foster home. (I'm not clear on whether they are in a relative placement or not in care at all.)

So much to learn over the next few months.....

My First Experience with WIC

Foster children under age 5 (I think?) qualify for WIC.

I've never signed any of my placements up for it. There are lots of reasons for that, but mostly it's a combination of two things. First, I've had 3 and 4 year olds; they're eating the same food we are in not-very-large-portions, so it isn't that much of an increase of our food budget to feed them. Second, I've heard so many horror stories about WIC. I've heard all about how hard it was to get the child enrolled in the program, how difficult it was to get into the WIC office to get the vouchers every month, how much of a hassle it was to use them in the store. I've read stories about store cashiers and other customers treating the WIC user with disdain and impatience.

So, I just haven't bothered. It sounded like a lot of trouble for very little gain. But I always told myself that if we ever had a placement that was still on formula...I'd have to figure out WIC. Because that stuff is expensive.

When N arrived with his caseworker, she brought me a bag full of baby food and an open container of formula. She also handed me a small folder, saying "here are his WIC checks." My agency caseworker told me to call the number of the office on the folder to find out how to get them transferred from the former foster family to mine, so that I could actually use them. (You sign the folder; when you use the vouchers, you sign them at the register and the cashier is supposed to compare your signature to the one on the folder.)

There were 4 vouchers for the month of October and 4 for the month of November. There was also one voucher -- for several cans of formula -- which was due to expire in 3 days, so I called the WIC office the next day.

And it was....easy. And pleasant.

That was a nice surprise.

They scheduled an appointment for me to come in first thing the following morning. They told me what to bring with me to the appointment -- the current WIC folder, my foster parent placement paperwork, my ID, and a current utility bill or rent statement -- and said I would be getting the current coupons transferred over so I could use them and also changing his account to the office closest to me.

When I went the appointment, there was no line at the check-in counter. The person behind the counter was friendly and efficient. She took all my paperwork, made copies, and gave it back to me. She told me to have a seat and she would call me "soon." N and I sat in the waiting room for about 5 minutes and then she called me back over. She handed me a new WIC folder with the same coupons in it and pointed out where I should sign the folder. She asked if I wanted to keep the same appointment time for the next visit....which will be in November. She asked me if I had any questions and then answered them. When I was ready to leave, she told me to call them if I had any more questions between now and the appointment in November.

The whole thing took about 15 minutes.

I used the one check that was about to expire yesterday. There weren't any other customers in line with me, but the cashier and the store manager (who was bagging my groceries) were both very helpful and patient. The store manager talked with me for a few minutes about how to find which items in the store can be bought with WIC. He said it can be confusing because "it changes a lot" and that I shouldn't hesitate to ask at the front counter for help if I needed it.

I realize that using WIC as a foster parent is very different experience than using it as a parent in need. I also realize that the appointment process at the WIC office is much easier for me than it would be for a working parent. I wonder about the one step that I didn't have to take -- getting him enrolled in the first place. But, in general, the whole process was much smoother and more pleasant than I expected. 

Next!

There was some confusion at the agency about when we would be open for another placement.

I had told our caseworker on S's case that we needed to get Susan settled into middle school and they could call us after Labor Day.

Labor Day came and went. No calls.

We wondered about this, but shrugged it off, assuming they just weren't getting calls that were appropriate for us. (Older children, medical needs that we aren't equipped to handle, etc.)

Yesterday, I got an email from another caseworker at the agency asking if we were ready to take in another placement.

I responded last night that we were and she replied immediately, saying "great!"

You experienced foster parents know what this means. For any readers that aren't experienced foster parents, this means we were not on the open list yesterday, but we were as of this morning (or possibly late last night when she sent me the responding email). Which also means....I got a call today.

9 month old baby boy.

That's pretty much all I know. Well, that and that he'll be here in about an hour and he's coming from a DFCS foster home that has too many children. (They've just taken on a kinship placement.)

Best: "I do not think it means what you think it means"

We're in that quiet space between placements where I don't have much to write that's appropriate for this blog.

That doesn't mean life isn't going on, of course. Susan started middle school. That's brought us to a new building with a whole new set of staff, which means I have to rebuild the relationships that make an IEP team work. I'm thankful that the timing of S's return has allowed me to focus more time and energy on that right now and I've asked the agency not to call me about another placement until I have her well and truly settled into middle school.

But I had a conversation with a friend this week that led in a "foster care" direction and found myself articulating something I've never actually put into words before. My friend asked me if I felt good about the end result of our cases. Did I think the children were in the right place?

One of the biggest steps (for us) in becoming foster parents was learning to accept the fundamental truth that "best interest of the child" doesn't mean "best parents." We have to accept that there is value in a child remaining with blood relatives. A lot of value. Value that outweighs a lot of things. It is more important to place a child with a relative than to place them with a family that can offer them better parenting. It is more important to place a child with a relative than to place them with a family that can offer them a better standard of living. It is more important to place a child with a relative than to place them with a family that can offer them more time and energy on a daily basis. There is even more value if that relative is the mother or father of the child.

This sounds arrogant. But I really do believe that Mr D and I are better parents than the biological parents of any of the children that have been placed with us. I do believe that homes with 2 adults are better for children than homes with only one. (Let me explain that last one. It's not that I don't think single parents can be good parents. I know some excellent single parents. It's simply that I believe that being a parent by yourself is hard. It's hard not to be able to trade off with another parent when you're having a really bad day. It's hard not to have someone to talk to about your child who loves them and knows them just as well as you do. It's hard to have the entire financial burden of supporting a family fall on you all the time. It's hard to be the only adult in a household. And when so many things in your day-to-day life are that hard, it's hard to be the best parent you can be.) In spite of those beliefs, I don't think any of the children placed with us should have stayed forever -- it would not have been in their "best interests." All the benefits that would come with becoming a part of our family are completely outweighed by the negative impact of pulling them away from a birth family that was safe, that loved them and that was willing to try to be the best parents they could be.

I've said this before. I haven't yet had a placement where the children had been abused in their home. My cases have all been neglect cases, and none of them have been severe neglect. They've been the sort of neglect that happens when a young, single parent gets lost in trying to keep up with everything and the care of the children begins to slip through the cracks. Or the sort of neglect that happens when a parent has a substance abuse problem. Someday that will change. Someday, I will get the placement that comes with physical injuries inflicted by a family member. Or the placement that comes neglected out of callous disregard for the life of the child. Or the placement whose parent can't (or won't) get clean in order to get their kids back. And for those children, their "best interest" may not be to go home. But I haven't had one of those yet. All I've had so far is parents making really big mistakes. So I do the best I can to parent their children while they try to fix those mistakes and ensure they don't happen again. And then, in the "best interests of the child", I send those children home.