So, I told you that last week's visit did happen and that I knew the plan before I picked up L and O from camp. (Hallelujah!)
After they left for that visit, I got a call from my agency worker. She casually asked if I had "seen the email about visits" yet. I hadn't . . . because I didn't get it.
It said that this week's visit will be at BioMom's home. It will still be supervised and they will have both community visits and home visits for a few weeks. (Why was I not on that distribution list? Shouldn't I know little things like where the children I am supposed to be caring for are going to be going!?)
When L and O got home from their visit last week, they already knew that the next visit would be at "Mommy's house." Which they have never seen, so they are very excited. (L is also a little suspicious of me. After all, I told her I would tell her anything as soon as I knew of it and I didn't tell her this. I think she believed me when I explained that I didn't hear about it until after she'd left for this week's visit.....especially after I elaborated that I will only tell her things I KNOW, not things that are just MAYBE going to happen. With the recent memory of the experience of you're-going-to-Paternal-Aunt-oh-wait-never-mind-no-you-aren't, she agreed that she didn't want to be disappointed like that again.)
As far as I know, there is no set date in place to drop the supervision, but that may all change when they go to court next week. There will be time for one home visit, which I suspect is deliberate--CW can tell the judge that "home visits have started" (as ordered at the last court date) and yet there has been as much time as she could give BioMom to fail to make rent and get evicted.
It'll be interesting to see how the kids react. Part of me wishes I could be there to see their real reactions. I predict that L will come home raving about the place--because she never says anything negative about any of the choices her mother makes. (Even when her mother asked her on the phone what she wanted to be for Halloween and couldn't remember her answer through the length of the short phone call, but didn't appear to realize it--L shrugged it off to me when I reconfirmed what I thought she said she'd wanted.) O will take his cue from big sis and rave, too, but he's more likely to slip and complain about something not being what she said (or he thinks she said) it was going to be. He's still trying to insist there's a full-size pool in the backyard and has only just stopped insisting that Mommy's house is bigger than mine. (It won't be -- it's a 3 bedroom trailer. And that's enough for what they need, which is the line I've been taking with O -- that Mommy's house doesn't have to be bigger than mine because there aren't as many people at her house.)
Monday, June 18, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Visit Uncertainty -- resolved
Big sigh of relief tinged with frustration that this is how things are.
The visit did happen. I got the call about 10 minutes before I had to go pick up L and O from camp letting me know the actual when's and where's, so I was able to tell L as soon as I saw her. Yes, Mommy found a babysitter. Yes, that means you're still going to get to see her today, but Baby Brother won't be there because he's a little bit sick and needs to stay at home.
They had a good time and all is right and normal in their worlds again. At least...as normal as the life of a foster child can get!
The visit did happen. I got the call about 10 minutes before I had to go pick up L and O from camp letting me know the actual when's and where's, so I was able to tell L as soon as I saw her. Yes, Mommy found a babysitter. Yes, that means you're still going to get to see her today, but Baby Brother won't be there because he's a little bit sick and needs to stay at home.
They had a good time and all is right and normal in their worlds again. At least...as normal as the life of a foster child can get!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Visit Uncertainty
It's nearly noon.
L and O are supposed to have a community visit with their mother this afternoon. They've had visits with her every Tuesday afternoon for as long as they've been here. She's never missed one, except the day she was in the hospital in labor with their baby brother; that time, she tried (and failed) to convince the caseworker to okay a visit at the hospital after the baby was born.
But the community visits have opened up a little more flexibility in the exact time and, of course, the location of this family togetherness time. Which means that I spend the whole week waiting to hear what the plan is. Where are they going this week? What time will the visit be scheduled start and end? What time does that mean they will be picked up and returned to my house?
It's nearly noon and I still don't know the answers to those questions for today.
I'm a scheduler and a planner. When I tuck children into bed at night, I tell them what we will do the next day. "
Tomorrow is Sunday and we'll go to church in the morning."
Or "Tomorrow is Thursday and you have school and then we'll go to Susan's PT appointment."
Even "Tomorrow is Saturday and we can sleep late in the morning because we don't have much going on."
Monday nights, it's always "Tomorrow is Tuesday and you get to see Mommy!" I've been confident saying it because BioMom is so dedicated to her time with these kids that I know she will move heavan and earth to get there.
I couldn't say that last night. Because all I knew about the visit was that Baby Brother is sick--too sick to be out in public at a community visit--and BioMom was trying to get in touch with a babysitter to watch him while she came to the visit. No times were being set in stone for the visit until she got her sitter lined up although we were still aiming for the afternoon. There was even a mention of a "make-up" visit on Sunday if she couldn't get a sitter.
So, I had to drop them off at daycamp this morning, admitting that I didn't know yet where their visit would be, or when they would leave for it, and that there was even a possibility that it wouldn't happen.
I will leave to pick them up from camp in about 2 hours. I'd really like to know the answer when I arrive because I don't want to have to tell them I still don't know. Especially on top of L's struggles with Mr D's absence!
L and O are supposed to have a community visit with their mother this afternoon. They've had visits with her every Tuesday afternoon for as long as they've been here. She's never missed one, except the day she was in the hospital in labor with their baby brother; that time, she tried (and failed) to convince the caseworker to okay a visit at the hospital after the baby was born.
But the community visits have opened up a little more flexibility in the exact time and, of course, the location of this family togetherness time. Which means that I spend the whole week waiting to hear what the plan is. Where are they going this week? What time will the visit be scheduled start and end? What time does that mean they will be picked up and returned to my house?
It's nearly noon and I still don't know the answers to those questions for today.
I'm a scheduler and a planner. When I tuck children into bed at night, I tell them what we will do the next day. "
Tomorrow is Sunday and we'll go to church in the morning."
Or "Tomorrow is Thursday and you have school and then we'll go to Susan's PT appointment."
Even "Tomorrow is Saturday and we can sleep late in the morning because we don't have much going on."
Monday nights, it's always "Tomorrow is Tuesday and you get to see Mommy!" I've been confident saying it because BioMom is so dedicated to her time with these kids that I know she will move heavan and earth to get there.
I couldn't say that last night. Because all I knew about the visit was that Baby Brother is sick--too sick to be out in public at a community visit--and BioMom was trying to get in touch with a babysitter to watch him while she came to the visit. No times were being set in stone for the visit until she got her sitter lined up although we were still aiming for the afternoon. There was even a mention of a "make-up" visit on Sunday if she couldn't get a sitter.
So, I had to drop them off at daycamp this morning, admitting that I didn't know yet where their visit would be, or when they would leave for it, and that there was even a possibility that it wouldn't happen.
I will leave to pick them up from camp in about 2 hours. I'd really like to know the answer when I arrive because I don't want to have to tell them I still don't know. Especially on top of L's struggles with Mr D's absence!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Leaving and Returning
Early this morning, my husband left town for 10 day business trip.
We knew this trip was coming. We'd casually told all the kids when he would leave (today), when he would be back (in about a week and a half), what they would be doing while he was gone (nothing much different except it's just me as the adult, instead of our usual tag-team). We didn't really think it was a big deal.
It isn't a big deal to Peter, Susan and Edmund. He takes this trip every summer. The last two years, we've gone on this trip with him and made a family vacation out of it. But this year's location isn't very family friendly and I wasn't taking 5 kids to live out of a hotel for 10 days anyway. So we had told the Originals that we weren't going with him this time because there wasn't really anything for us to do there.
It isn't a big deal to O as far as I can tell. In typical 4 year old fashion, he's much more attached to me (the primary caregiver) than to Mr D. So he's taking it in stride without much of a blip.
We just realized last night it apparently is a big deal to L. When he was telling them good night last night, letting them know he'd probably be gone when they woke up in the morning, asking them to be on their best behavior for me while he's gone, reminding them when he'd be back.....she teared up. She wouldn't look at him, didn't want to say good night or good bye and was fighting back the tears. We left her alone mostly, although I did rub her back a little bit and whisper to her that he'd be back next week. At tuck-in time, she whispered that she didn't want him to go. Again, I reminded her that he'll be back.
This morning, she's clingy and already claiming to miss him. (Although so far, he hasn't been gone longer than he would have been if he'd just gone to work today.)
I wonder how many men in her 8 years have left, maybe "for a little while", and never returned.
We knew this trip was coming. We'd casually told all the kids when he would leave (today), when he would be back (in about a week and a half), what they would be doing while he was gone (nothing much different except it's just me as the adult, instead of our usual tag-team). We didn't really think it was a big deal.
It isn't a big deal to Peter, Susan and Edmund. He takes this trip every summer. The last two years, we've gone on this trip with him and made a family vacation out of it. But this year's location isn't very family friendly and I wasn't taking 5 kids to live out of a hotel for 10 days anyway. So we had told the Originals that we weren't going with him this time because there wasn't really anything for us to do there.
It isn't a big deal to O as far as I can tell. In typical 4 year old fashion, he's much more attached to me (the primary caregiver) than to Mr D. So he's taking it in stride without much of a blip.
We just realized last night it apparently is a big deal to L. When he was telling them good night last night, letting them know he'd probably be gone when they woke up in the morning, asking them to be on their best behavior for me while he's gone, reminding them when he'd be back.....she teared up. She wouldn't look at him, didn't want to say good night or good bye and was fighting back the tears. We left her alone mostly, although I did rub her back a little bit and whisper to her that he'd be back next week. At tuck-in time, she whispered that she didn't want him to go. Again, I reminded her that he'll be back.
This morning, she's clingy and already claiming to miss him. (Although so far, he hasn't been gone longer than he would have been if he'd just gone to work today.)
I wonder how many men in her 8 years have left, maybe "for a little while", and never returned.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Reverting
I mentioned that the kids are getting restless with that magic 1-year date looming in the near future and the recent addition of visits held out in public. (The visits are still supervised, just no longer held within the easily controlled environment of the fully staffed county visitation center.)
It's manifesting itself in ramping up of defiant behaviors. I'd noticed it at first with O--who has begun to tell me that he'll just wait and do whatever-I-just-said-he-couldn't when he's at Mommy's house. He's back to flat out ignoring us when we try to gently redirect him, forcing a show-down that I don't want to have, but can't let him win. It's exhausting. And this 4 year old--who has not had an toileting accident in months -- has had 5 in the last week.
Now, I'm noticing it in L as well. She breaks a long standing house rule--don't run in the house. I remind her--We don't run in the house, please! She stops running, says sorry. 5 minutes later, she's running again. Correction again, "Sorry!" again. So this time I follow up with a warning -- if you can't remember these rules for more than 5 minutes after a reminder, you might need some time to yourself today. No!No! She straightens her back, shakes her head. I'll remember! But 5 minutes later is running again. So, when I enforce the consequence, she tears up and begs for another chance.
It's been clear to me from day one that these kids have never had consistently enforced discipline in their lives. We have established structure, routine, and consequences for poor choices. We were running along pretty smoothly until just recently.
So what changed?
2 things. School's out--which loosens the structure of their days because there is no time spent at school anymore. And community visits started.
I'm trying to believe that the two things are equally at fault for this downward slide, but it's hard not to blame the community visits. Especially for O, whose behavior has changed so dramatically and who only ever had school 3 days a week to begin with. When I begged the caseworkers for advice, I got nothing helpful. Just reassurance that they aren't surprised to hear it. CW said that at O's age, it's especially common. The kids can sense from the change in visits (and the way BioMom is talking about her house to them) that they might go home soon. O can't really verbalize what he's feeling about that--the conflict between feeling happy about being with Mommy again (because he does love and miss her) and feeling sad and anxious about leaving the place and people that have been "home" for the last quarter of his life.
We go to court again in about 2 weeks, so I'm just trying to hang in there with the patience and the not-actually-killing-anyone until then. That hearing might send them home, might set up transitional visits, might do any number of things. But, at the moment, both CW and my agency worker think that we'll know more about a permanent plan then. So, I am left crossing my fingers until then and hoping that having a plan will mean I can actually tell the kids something. And praying that knowing a plan will help them cope with the stress and uncertainty that is still a part of the lives of foster children who are stuck in this limbo land of "waiting" for other people to decide what will happen to them.
It's manifesting itself in ramping up of defiant behaviors. I'd noticed it at first with O--who has begun to tell me that he'll just wait and do whatever-I-just-said-he-couldn't when he's at Mommy's house. He's back to flat out ignoring us when we try to gently redirect him, forcing a show-down that I don't want to have, but can't let him win. It's exhausting. And this 4 year old--who has not had an toileting accident in months -- has had 5 in the last week.
Now, I'm noticing it in L as well. She breaks a long standing house rule--don't run in the house. I remind her--We don't run in the house, please! She stops running, says sorry. 5 minutes later, she's running again. Correction again, "Sorry!" again. So this time I follow up with a warning -- if you can't remember these rules for more than 5 minutes after a reminder, you might need some time to yourself today. No!No! She straightens her back, shakes her head. I'll remember! But 5 minutes later is running again. So, when I enforce the consequence, she tears up and begs for another chance.
It's been clear to me from day one that these kids have never had consistently enforced discipline in their lives. We have established structure, routine, and consequences for poor choices. We were running along pretty smoothly until just recently.
So what changed?
2 things. School's out--which loosens the structure of their days because there is no time spent at school anymore. And community visits started.
I'm trying to believe that the two things are equally at fault for this downward slide, but it's hard not to blame the community visits. Especially for O, whose behavior has changed so dramatically and who only ever had school 3 days a week to begin with. When I begged the caseworkers for advice, I got nothing helpful. Just reassurance that they aren't surprised to hear it. CW said that at O's age, it's especially common. The kids can sense from the change in visits (and the way BioMom is talking about her house to them) that they might go home soon. O can't really verbalize what he's feeling about that--the conflict between feeling happy about being with Mommy again (because he does love and miss her) and feeling sad and anxious about leaving the place and people that have been "home" for the last quarter of his life.
We go to court again in about 2 weeks, so I'm just trying to hang in there with the patience and the not-actually-killing-anyone until then. That hearing might send them home, might set up transitional visits, might do any number of things. But, at the moment, both CW and my agency worker think that we'll know more about a permanent plan then. So, I am left crossing my fingers until then and hoping that having a plan will mean I can actually tell the kids something. And praying that knowing a plan will help them cope with the stress and uncertainty that is still a part of the lives of foster children who are stuck in this limbo land of "waiting" for other people to decide what will happen to them.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Not much to say...
It's been a long time since I posted, but there's honestly not much to say.
Visits at BioMom's house still haven't started. She has to pass a drug screen before they can and the one she took doesn't count. (She took one at a place that DFCS isn't confident is careful to ensure that the sample truly came from her.)
The kids are antsy about when they'll go home. L knows she's approaching the 1 year mark of being here, although I don't think she knows what that means. It's just that it's a really long time, a lot longer than any of us were expecting. She's telling everyone she won't be at our school next year; when I gently reminded her that we don't know that for sure, she got super clingy for 3 days and kept asking me when she would go home to Mommy. (To which my answer is still a steady: "I don't know, sweetheart; when I know something for sure I promise I will tell you, but right now I really don't know when you'll go home.") She really thought she would be going to Paternal Aunt's at least at the end of school, but that's not going to happen.
O had an assessment for counseling, now that he's past his 4th birthday. They've done letter recognition at preschool and I've tried to do some at home, but pretty much gave up because he never seemed to retain the information from one time to the next. At the assessment, the little stinker correctly identified every letter she asked him. But he also demonstrated the difficulty in responding to instructions from adults appropriately that has me most concerned, so I think they saw the "real O."
The next hearing is next month. It's supposed to be the "permanency hearing" where a plan for them to have a, well, permanent home is put in place, whether that's reunifying with BioMom or going to another family member. Or, the judge could give her "three more months" at that point. I just don't know. Which is crazy making for all involved.
BioMom keeps talking to them about her house -- even though she's been told not to do that until there's a date set for the first home visit. O has all these unrealistic fantasies about it, so I'd kind of like them to hurry up and get to see it. It's hard for him to picture something realistic. (He insists she has a pool with a water slide in her back yard, for example.) And yet, I don't want them to go there and see "their rooms" and get excited about "going home" to that place if she isn't going to be able to pay the rent and keep it!
Oh, and BioMom got a puppy "for them." A pit bull puppy. I...just...can't...say anything about that!
Visits at BioMom's house still haven't started. She has to pass a drug screen before they can and the one she took doesn't count. (She took one at a place that DFCS isn't confident is careful to ensure that the sample truly came from her.)
The kids are antsy about when they'll go home. L knows she's approaching the 1 year mark of being here, although I don't think she knows what that means. It's just that it's a really long time, a lot longer than any of us were expecting. She's telling everyone she won't be at our school next year; when I gently reminded her that we don't know that for sure, she got super clingy for 3 days and kept asking me when she would go home to Mommy. (To which my answer is still a steady: "I don't know, sweetheart; when I know something for sure I promise I will tell you, but right now I really don't know when you'll go home.") She really thought she would be going to Paternal Aunt's at least at the end of school, but that's not going to happen.
O had an assessment for counseling, now that he's past his 4th birthday. They've done letter recognition at preschool and I've tried to do some at home, but pretty much gave up because he never seemed to retain the information from one time to the next. At the assessment, the little stinker correctly identified every letter she asked him. But he also demonstrated the difficulty in responding to instructions from adults appropriately that has me most concerned, so I think they saw the "real O."
The next hearing is next month. It's supposed to be the "permanency hearing" where a plan for them to have a, well, permanent home is put in place, whether that's reunifying with BioMom or going to another family member. Or, the judge could give her "three more months" at that point. I just don't know. Which is crazy making for all involved.
BioMom keeps talking to them about her house -- even though she's been told not to do that until there's a date set for the first home visit. O has all these unrealistic fantasies about it, so I'd kind of like them to hurry up and get to see it. It's hard for him to picture something realistic. (He insists she has a pool with a water slide in her back yard, for example.) And yet, I don't want them to go there and see "their rooms" and get excited about "going home" to that place if she isn't going to be able to pay the rent and keep it!
Oh, and BioMom got a puppy "for them." A pit bull puppy. I...just...can't...say anything about that!
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