Miscellaneous

I didn't kill the family member on July 4th. M's case and theoretical adoption possibilities never came up, which is probably healthier for all of us.
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More visits have been missed. One of the parents has always called to cancel, but often only at the last minute. A sad pattern is developing. The visit supervisor calls them to confirm a few days before; they say they will be there. The visit supervisor calls them to confirm the morning of the visit; they say they will be there. Around they time they should be leaving their house to come (or a little after), the visit supervisor will get a text message saying they aren't coming because <assorted excuses>. I don't think the caseworker wants to supervisor to call them to confirm -- she's trying to put the burden on the parents. But the supervisor hates wasting the trip -- for herself and for M -- so she's trying her best to make sure that they will be there before anyone heads out. It's not working.

I remind myself repeatedly of the good news -- M doesn't know what is happening. The worst effect on her is the occasional postponed (or early) nap or feeding because I was expecting a visit to happen that then doesn't. The parents live further from the visitation location than I do, so we generally know the visit is cancelled before M is actually on her way there, although a few times it has happened just as I was about to strap her into her carseat.
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The DNA sample has finally been taken. We should have the test results before the next court date. I don't know what I hope or expect the results to be. If the putative father is the biological father, then nothing really changes except that the caseworker will seriously look into him as a potential placement. If the putative father is not the biological father, there has to be a search.
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Court is the end of the month. I expect nothing to change before then. It's possible nothing will change after it, as well. I don't know what else is possible. Would the judge cancel the pretense of visits, especially if the parents still haven't made one by then? (It's been almost a month since M has actually seen them. If they don't make a visit before court, it will have been over 1.5 months.) I also don't know what else is going on with them, because my best source for that information was the things they say at visits. The concurrent plan of TPR is still lurking; I suppose court could light that pathway again. I just can't think that far.

We will meet with the caseworker before court. Well, we're scheduled to meet with the caseworker before court. I don't know if she'll be able to tell me the results of the DNA test. I do hope to learn what DFCS is going to be asking the judge to do at court. This judge has a reputation for being very smart, very decisive, and not putting up with anything. I have a good bit of faith in the judge; I have less faith in the caseworker's ability to actually put together a clear picture of the situation.
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The summer is flying by and, before I know it, school will start again. Part of me is actually looking forward to that -- the opportunity to have only the baby here during the day -- but most of me realizes that it will bring its own challenges back as well. (Lunches to be made, homework to be supervised and checked, extracurricular activity schedules to juggle.)

Newborn Fog

The state keeps sending me younger and younger kids.

I think this was deliberatly planned to ease me back into night-time feedings. Because, good heavens, if we'd been doing this 3 years ago, when Edmund needed me to help him get his breakfast in the mornings and Susan needed me to remind her of each step in her morning schedule to get out the door and even Peter would sometimes get distracted and lose track of what time he needed to leave the house for the bus....I never would have survived it. Now, though, they can all get their own breakfast, they generally get themselves ready and out the door on time; all I'm really doing is packing their lunches. So, for now, I'm doing that the night before, just in case M has a rough night.

Generally, though, baby M is doing fabulously. At just over 2 months of age, she's finally passed her due date, making her adjusted age positive.

(Early Intervention came out to do her initial assessment before her due date. The worker told me, laughing, that there really wasn't much point to it yet...she just wanted to get her into their system for later and she'll come back in a few months. Development for preemies is assessed based on their "gestational age" -- the age they would be if they'd been born on time. When EI was here, her adjusted age was "negative 1 week." Developmental goals? Eat. Sleep. Grow. Keep breathing.)

Speaking of breathing, there have been no more scary incidents leading to hospital stays.

But she is eating every 3-4 hours around the clock. And each feeding takes about 30 minutes, plus a few more minutes to mix up a bottle of formula (or warm one from the refrigerator) and then clean up afterwards. So that means our sleep mostly consists of a series of 2-3 hour naps. Mr D takes a turn when he can, but since I can nap during the day and he has to go to work, that mostly consists of taking the last feeding before bed, so I can go to bed early. Even with that help, I'm spending most of my days in the hazy land of not-quite-enough sleep that I like to call "newborn fog."

She's growing like crazy -- already outgrown some of her preemie clothes. The 0-3 month clothes are still a little big, so she's hanging out in "newborn" size for now. As she gets bigger, she will begin to be able to go longer without eating -- already, last night, she slept for a 5 hour break between feedings -- and before I know it, she will sleep through the night. At which time, I will wake up and run to her room, terrified that she's stopped breathing again and then not be able to go back to sleep because of the adrenalin surge caused by that panic. But eventually, she'll do it regularly enough that I will expect it and then, oh, then, I will truly get a good night's sleep.

Defiance

A lot of S's behavior issues are rooted in her desire to be in control. Of everything. (This is, of course, not unusual with foster kids -- they've learned that they must be in control in order to survive and it is very hard for them to give up control to these strange people called the "foster family.")

Lately, this need for control is coming out as defiance. Not just in the sense of "no, I won't" when asked to do something, but also in the sense of arguing with everything and anything. Never backing down. It seems that her instinctive response to any statement --no matter what it is -- is to disagree. And to disagree loudly and rudely.

I have joked that if you tell her the sky is blue on a clear day, she will say "No, it isn't!"

Today, in the car, I got an even better example. We started the car to head to church and the radio came on. It was tuned to a local Christian station. Minutes after the car started, the radio said "You're listening to 'Keep the Faith' on ...."

Immediately, S snarled, "No, we're not!"

To the radio.

Because it is wrong about its own programming.

And S Knows All.

Line Crossed. Kinda.

Well, I couldn't help myself.

I told BioMom that "I shouldn't be saying this, but..."

I told her I felt it was unacceptable for the county to tell her that she has to wait an extra 2 months to get her child back at this point in the case. She agreed. She sounded hugely relieved to hear me say it and said she would ask her lawyer about that. (To be fair to her lawyer, I've never spoken to her and it could be that she would be reacting just the way I wanted her to, as soon as anyone told her what was going on.) By the time we were done talking, BioMom was going to call the caseworker as soon as we got off the phone.

I also sent an email to my agency caseworker in which I told her that I thought this was crazy and asked if there was anything we could suggest to speed things up. She responded with the same word I used. Unacceptable. It is unacceptable for CPS to use the court schedule as an excuse to drag out this case.

A few hours later, I got an email from the county caseworker. The final piece that they needed to do is complete from their end, although it has resulted in some small things BioMom needs to do. Once they are done -- a matter of a week or two, most likely -- we will move to overnights and petition the court to allow a hearing quickly, so S can go home sooner rather than later.

Today, when I met BioMom for a visit handoff, she told me the same news with a big smile. She said mid-July as a ball-park date to have S home for good. That's about one month from now, which sounds about right, considering we haven't started overnights yet.

It's not a done deal, yet, of course, because nothing in foster care is. But it sounds much, much better to me.

And I feel no guilt at all about being a bit of a squeaky wheel -- just glad it didn't backfire on BioMom. (I'll admit, when she said she was calling the caseworker, I got a little nervous. I hoped that I hadn't set BioMom up to behave in a way that was going to get the caseworker mad at her.)

One Step

I've sung in church choirs for most of my life. I'm a "traditional worship" kind of girl, so I sing anthems that are set for SATB choirs to sing with a piano or organ accompaniment. Sometimes, the music from one of those anthems will stick with me and I'll find myself singing it to myself at times that seem random at first. Then I listen to the words I'm singing and usually realize that the message is appropriate to my life.

Foster care repeatedly brings back an anthem we sang at a church we attended a decade ago, when Peter was a preschooler. It's called "One Step He Leads" and it's by a composer called Pepper Choplin.

Sometimes I worry,
And wish I could see
What lies ahead,
What the future will be.
 But God calls me on
To follow, in faith,
And He'll take tomorrow,
If I give him today.

One step, he leads
And one step I'll follow.
God knows my needs,
And he will supply.
I don't know the future,
Or all that's in store.
But I'll take one step,
One step,
To follow my Lord.

There's a second verse, but I can never remember all the words to it. On rough foster care days -- on the days when I don't understand what's going on and I wonder how long I can handle living with this limbo or the days when a little one is melting down over all the ways her world is falling apart and neither of us can fix it -- the words of this echo in my head and I can't help but sing it to myself. "I don't know the future or all that's in store..."

On those days, I KNOW that that those moments are God answering my prayers for guidance and clarity and understanding. And I may not like the answer, which is to take this one step at a time and trust Him. But the fact that it's not the answer I wanted doesn't mean it's not an answer to prayer. Some days singing it out helps me get where I need to be again. "He'll take tomorrow if I give Him today."

Giving you today, Lord. And trying to trust that You will take care of all the tomorrows.

Random Thoughts

• It's a good thing S had school today because we were getting on each other's nerves this morning. I did not have my usual patience for answering the same questions that I answer on a daily basis; she was not happy with my insistence that she knew the answer to that and I wasn't answering it again. I was not feeling the compromises today; she was not willing to hand over any power whatsoever. The initial pickup at school didn't bode much better for her side of it as she nearly melted down when I would not let her run through the parking lot with her new "kite" made in school that day, but the hours "off" had given me a deeper level of serenity and patience. I was able to redirect her onto a grassy field to show me the kite and successfully headed off the meltdown by meeting her need to show off her new creation while still meeting my own need to keep her safe.
• We might have court in a few weeks. But I don't know that for sure. If I think too hard about this, I will get irritable again. I will just say that S's mom told me when court is and asked if we would be there. I told her, honestly, that I'd like to be, but that I haven't heard anything about it yet. My query to the caseworker has, shockingly, gone unanswered. (BioMom says her letter tells her they will be discussing the possibility of moving to unsupervised visits with her. I would like to be there to add my resounding and enthusiastic support to that idea and hopefully get an official answer on what the rules will be -- specifically, what's the upper limit to frequency and duration?)
• Finally, finally, finally starting counseling for S, although it is clear to me that this counselor has only worked with kids in "schools" that are full-time day-care or, you know, K-12 schools. She's seeing S at "school" for an hour a week. Out of the 9 hours that S spends there. For the month that remains of S's school year. OK. What really made me laugh was when she earnestly told me she would plan to see her at 10am, so that she could be done "before lunch and nap-time." Yeah, those are at my house. :)
• It's almost May which means all the random "events" are starting up for the Originals as well as for S. Spring Sing concert, Field Day, Writer's Tea, Barter Day, Teacher Appreciation week, Band Concert in the Park, 5th Grade "Walk" (a "not-graduation" ceremony), Volunteer Appreciation breakfasts, sports banquets and End of Year parties. My May calendar makes my eyes hurt. Part of me wants to suggest that next year, we hold all our volunteer appreciation events at some random time during the year....like March....so that they don't fall when our volunteers are busy, you know, volunteering?

What if they don't?

Generally, I love PBS Kids programming. We happen to get two different local PBS stations, so when my pre-school kids watch TV during a school day, their choices are PBS1 show and PBS2 show. (Generally this means I'm saying things like "you can watch Dinosaur Train or Super Why, which do you choose?" If they don't like either of these, well, I guess we'll do something else then.)

This usually works well, and we love us some Super Why and Curious George at this house.

S has taken a liking to the new Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood as well, which has been fine....until today. If you've never watched the show, there's always a short sung tag line that's the "lesson" for the day. (There's been things like "Making something is one way to say I love you" or "When you feel so mad that you want to ROAR, take deep breath and count to 4!") The song gets repeated several times as the character has to practice that lesson during the story.

Today, the story is one of those stories that sounds like a great idea . . . to people who've never had foster kids.

The premise is that Daniel's parents went out for the evening and he had a baby-sitter stay with him.

Today's theme tag song was "grown-ups come back."

Oops. We, um, obviously didn't watch the whole thing. I "remembered" that we were going to make muffins today and we did that instead.

Random updates

I have heard nothing about L & O -- or their brother -- since we declined to take L & O back.

I don't know if I'll ever hear anything. I had hoped that my offer of being a respite provider would keep us somewhat in the loop, but that may be wishful thinking on my part. I left a voicemail for the caseworker who called me.....I think I have to just let it go now, don't I?
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S is settling into the routine of being at our house while visiting with her mother regularly. She no longer cries when leaving Mom at the end of the visit. On the one hand, that's good -- that every visit isn't an additional traumatic separation. On the other hand....it makes me sad that she's learned to let go like this. I don't know what I actually want -- other than for her mother to magically have made better choices months ago to prevent this from ever happening?
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S's mom is making great progress on her case and is impressing the case worker. There is only one part of her case plan that hasn't moved forward much, and some of that is out of Mom's hands, so there's a lot of leeway on the timing of getting that part done. (She's done the parts of it she can control, even reaching out to her caseworker for help to make sure she was doing everything that she could and doing it correctly. Now, she has to wait for something else to happen.) Mom is taking classes above and beyond what's required and asking for additional drug screens. The caseworker says she's never had a parent do as much, as quickly and sustain that for as long a period of time. We fully expect S to go home...but it will still take a few more months.

It's good that Mom is doing so well, though, because there's nobody else. There's family, some of whom have asked to take S in, but none of them are acceptable to DFCS. There's an aunt -- with a past history of her own with Child Protective Services. There are grandparents -- with a disturbing history of 911 calls to their residence. There's a biological father -- incarcerated, with no release likely any time soon. Caseworker said that if Mom can't get it together, they'd be looking at an adoption case.

Things I am Tired of Saying . . . again

• "But I want to" is not a good enough reason.

• Use your inside voice.

• I can't talk about their case.

• I'm sorry. I don't know when you'll get to go home....or anywhere else.

• Mommy loves you. She just isn't finished with the things she needs to do before you can live with her again.
  

Things I can't say (but want to) . . .

• For the love of God, SHUT UP!!

• I'm sure Mommy does let you do that; maybe that's why you're here.

• I don't care what you did at Daddy's house.

• That is not true. You do not have 3 dogs/a Wii/a shirt like that one/whatever at Mommy's house because Mommy does not have a house.

• Stop bringing your child junky little gifts to every visit. Spend your money on the things you need to do to get them OUT of foster care. You're training them to think they should get a present every time they see you.

• I know you've never had to sleep alone, but I can't let you sleep with me or your sister because it would be illegal.

• I know you're not deaf because I've had your hearing checked. Are you not listening or are you an idiot?

Calling my Mommy

January was a really bad month.

Lots of miserable, awful things that I can't talk about.

Fights with Mr. D

Fights with Peter.

Frustration with Susan.

Frustration with the foster system and how slowly things move and how little we are kept up to date on what is going on.

The last week of January was the worst one. All that other stuff happened and then, I went to the dentist. And I needed thousands and thousands of dollars worth of work done. And in the midst of that, my 14 year old dog had some sort of stroke and needed to be put down as she could no longer control her body movements to stand, walk, or eat.

So, I did what any person with a normal, healthy childhood did. I called my Mommy.

And as I did it, as I dialed, as I talked to her about the teeth and the dog and the struggles with kids, as I hung up feeling better, I thought about LT's blog. I've been reading LT a lot lately, working my way through her archives.

What LT repeatedly says she wants more than anything in the world is a Mom. And the foster system failed to give her that, so she is still searching.

I can call my mommy when I have a really bad day and she can make it better--sometimes just by listening while I talk. Children who age out of foster care....children who are in foster care.....can't do that.

As a foster parent, I do my best to be the stand-in mommy for the kids in my care. I think I do that pretty well for O, probably a little less well for L. When L really wants her mommy, I know that the only thing that I can do is be there as much as she wants me to be, listen when she wants to talk, and love her whether she wants me to or not. I hope it's enough.

It's unlikely that L and O will ever age out--their mother is working hard on her plan, there are other family members stepping in and offering to be their family caregiver--and even if they do, they have this experience of their mother not walking away from them, so I don't think they will ever been where LT is in terms of the feelings of rejection by everyone who should have cared about them.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. I wanted my Mommy today. And I called her. And I felt better.

It saddens me to know how many children there are for whom that simple moment of receiving comfort where it is expected is out of their reach.

Preschool conversations

In the car on the way home from preschool, with the three-year old--he's trying so hard to figure our family relationships, and all I can do is keep it as simple as I can for him.

Mommy is my mother. Yes

Nana is my grandmother. Yes.

Daddy is my...my.... Your father. Daddy is your father.

And I'm N's** Big Brother. Yes. You are N's big brother and he's your little brother. 

L is your Big Sister. Yeah--she my big sister. And she'll be N's big sister, too, just like she's your big sister. Oh.

Mommy is my mother? yes. And that why we go see her every....every... Every week. Yes. Mommy is your mother and you get to see her every week.

**Bio-mom is pregnant, with a boy, who has been named already. She talks to the kids about the baby a lot and says things like "N misses you!" O is still kind of confused about interacting with a child he can't see, I think, but she's getting pretty close to the due date and they've gotten to feel the baby kick a few times during a visit.

Timing is Everything?

Learned today that the very day we agreed to take in L and O, the DFCS office in charge of the 3 G's finally called to schedule a meeting between us and the kids.

Things I am tired of saying . . .

• Just because you want to, doesn't mean you can (or should).

• No means No; it does not mean ask me again in 2 minutes. (And it also doesn't mean do it anyway!)

• It's not always about you. 

• You can't sleep with the lights on; that's what your nightlight is for.

• I know you want Mommy; she's not here right now. 

• I can't really tell you [friend/acquaintance/relative stranger] anything about why they're with me. 

• I don't know how much longer you/they will be here.