On a lighter note...

Because it's age appropriate, we've talked a lot about "private parts" and "privacy" with S.

In the grocery store today, walking by the magazine section, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition was on display.

S giggled and pointed and said "I can see her private parts."

We agreed that the lady on that magazine cover should put on a shirt.

My own triggers

I'm feeling a little better about S's rages.  I finally got a response from someone . . . someone who listened to what I had to say, validated it and gave concrete, specific advice for how to move forward from here. That really helped. I also realized something.

When we were going through our home study, there was an interview section. The interviewer asked us questions about our own childhoods and relationships with family members. She talked about how there aren't really "wrong" answers to those questions (although I'm sure there are some answers that would be red flags), but said it was important to know what sort of things might be in our own pasts that a future foster child could trigger. We needed to work through any of those issues ourselves before we could help a child with similar ones.

Made sense to me. I thought long and hard and tried to imagine anything that could impact a placement.

But I looked too far back. I didn't think about more recent experiences.

I kept asking for help for S, telling professional after professional that she is melting down and I don't know how to help her.

I kept getting all but patted on the head as these people tell me this is "normal" and I'm doing a great job with her and would I like to schedule a respite weekend soon?

I finally realized what past memory that response is dredging up. Susan. The first, oh, about 7 years of her life. Specialist after specialist telling me she is "fine", she's "within normal ranges", she'll "grow out of it" or "catch up." Years of feeling in my gut that she's not fine, that there's something bigger here than a "mild developmental delay", that I don't know how to help her. Pretty much from birth. Until finally, in the spring of 1st grade, the school psychologist did a psych eval on her at my request. (Requested on the advice of the private psychologist we were seeing who told me they had to do it if I asked for it and that he could do one, but that the school might dismiss any findings he made, but "if they find it, they have to offer her resources in school to help her.") And that was when we finally had the Asperger's diagnosis. 7 years.

S can't wait 7 years.

I can't wait 7 years.

I don't ask for help or support services lightly. I know resources are thin and there's not enough money in the pot to cover all the help everybody wants. So, it takes a pretty dramatic problem for me to start screaming for help. And getting brushed off with what they think are reassuring statements is the last thing I need.

Again and again, forever and forever....foster care sucks.

"Normal" is not OK

I am currently screaming through keyholes and banging on doors (figuratively, of course) in an attempt to get some sort of counseling in place for S. She is literally banging on doors and screaming. The response I get from caseworker after caseworker?

"This is normal in children her age around this point in a placement. She's just so frustrated that it doesn't seem like anything is changing and she feels like she's been here a long time."

OK. I know all that. I'm frustrated by those things, too. How 'bout some professional help for her to learn how to PROCESS THOSE FEELINGS? Or at least professional advice for me on how to help her?

"Oh, we can't refer her for counseling until she's 4."

So, it's normal for 3 year-olds in care to scream themselves hoarse and hit walls until their hands bleed....but it's not possible to get them help? How does that make sense?

Foster care sucks.

Oh, for the love....

Just found out S's county caseworker is changing AGAIN.

I just....

This isn't....

I can't...

There are no words.

FOUR caseworkers in SEVEN months.

Unacceptable. And yet, I have no choice but to accept it.

Naming Progression

I'm writing about this again because I just think watching it develop is interesting and I don't want to forget this.

I wrote about what S started out calling us here when she started transitioning towards a different name. That time it didn't last long.

But around Christmas, she switched over to pretty much always using Mom and Dad for the two of us, while using Mommy and Daddy for her bio parents.

Except when she's mad at me or I don't respond quickly enough to the first call for attention. Then she calls me Ms FirstName. :)