So, yesterday I said yes to a 2 and 4 year old partial sib-set that turned out to be not yet in custody because they have to be found first.
Today, the same caseworker called and asked me about taking a 1 year old and 4 year old instead. "It's an inadequate supervision case; they were found playing in a sewer."
I asked about the other two and she said she wasn't sure they were coming. They still haven't found them. And there might be a family that would take the whole sib-set.
While we were talking, she got tapped on the shoulder. "What? Oh. OK." Today's pair have been placed somewhere else already....
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
What's a break?
After L and O drove off with their mom for the last time, our agency caseworker said she wanted to schedule a meeting with us. (And I really mean, right after they drove off, she said this. She was there at the handoff. We were standing in the parking lot and she wanted to schedule a meeting.) She wanted to talk about how long a break we wanted before we took more kids, about whether any of our restrictions were changing (age, gender, race, behaviors, etc), about whether there was any feedback for the agency about how they handled the case.
We tentatively scheduled a conference call meeting for about a week after L and O went home. It fell through at the last minute when other calls (for her and for us) interrupted the time we were supposed to talk.
We played phone tag for a few days, trying to arrange another day or time to talk.
She tried to call me this morning and got my voicemail. I called her back about 10 minutes later. She laughed and said that she really had been calling to schedule that meeting, but in the time since she called...they had a case come in and she thought of us.
Sibling group of 4 that will be split up --either 2 and 2 or 1 and 3 -- all 4 years old or younger. She doesn't want to burn us out, so if we're interested, they could arrange a respite plan for a week or two to give us more of a break before we jump back in. What did we think?
I spoke to Mr D, but I knew what we were going to say.
We offered to take the two older ones, and I said I was uncomfortable with the idea of making these kids go somewhere else for 2 weeks and then move again. I would need a good bit of babysitting help the first few days, and tomorrow I have a gynecologist appointment, so if we can wait til after that, that would be great.
Agency caseworker called the county back -- different county than L and O, so hopefully visits will be closer -- and got back to me. My well-woman visit is safe because the kids haven't actually been picked up. It'll be Friday at the earliest before they'd be being placed. Turns out that BioMom has taken off with the kids and they have to find them before they can send them to me.....
This could be interesting.
We tentatively scheduled a conference call meeting for about a week after L and O went home. It fell through at the last minute when other calls (for her and for us) interrupted the time we were supposed to talk.
We played phone tag for a few days, trying to arrange another day or time to talk.
She tried to call me this morning and got my voicemail. I called her back about 10 minutes later. She laughed and said that she really had been calling to schedule that meeting, but in the time since she called...they had a case come in and she thought of us.
Sibling group of 4 that will be split up --either 2 and 2 or 1 and 3 -- all 4 years old or younger. She doesn't want to burn us out, so if we're interested, they could arrange a respite plan for a week or two to give us more of a break before we jump back in. What did we think?
I spoke to Mr D, but I knew what we were going to say.
We offered to take the two older ones, and I said I was uncomfortable with the idea of making these kids go somewhere else for 2 weeks and then move again. I would need a good bit of babysitting help the first few days, and tomorrow I have a gynecologist appointment, so if we can wait til after that, that would be great.
Agency caseworker called the county back -- different county than L and O, so hopefully visits will be closer -- and got back to me. My well-woman visit is safe because the kids haven't actually been picked up. It'll be Friday at the earliest before they'd be being placed. Turns out that BioMom has taken off with the kids and they have to find them before they can send them to me.....
This could be interesting.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Gone Home
L and O are gone.
We took a goodbye tour of the school for L during teacher preplanning -- she got to say goodbye to her teacher and some of the staff. She saw the new spirit wear going up on display and got very clingy and whispered that she wished she was going to our school again next year.
O took a walk through the house before we left for the last time, saying goodbye to every room.
When we got to the meeting hand-off location, L was cool and calm with us. Excited to see her mom, with a big hug and grin for her, L climbed in Mom's car very quickly and had to be told (by Mom) to get back out and say goodbye.
O made the rounds of last hugs and I was surprised to see tears welling up. It started when Peter told him goodbye with a big hug, and then O turned to me to say goodbye. I didn't think he would understand how "forever" that goodbye is likely to be, but he sure seemed to!
After that, it was much harder to let O drive off with BioMom than it was to see L go. L was so clearly done with her goodbyes and ready to go before she even got in our car that last time, but O seemed to struggle with it a bit more. I hope he's been OK since, but I'll never really know, will I?
In the time since they left, we've had a family debrief of "how it all went." My house is almost thoroughly clean again and I'm caught up on the laundry. School has started and the house is quiet for long stretches of the day. We've repaired the things L broke in his room. I touched up the paint on his walls, as well.
I'm enjoying the little things. The ability to leave Peter, Susan and Edmund home alone while I run to the grocery store for a short list; it's a 30 minute absence where I'm never more than 5 minutes away, but I can't leave a 12 year old in charge of foster kids of any age. The luxury of knowing that the kids will be thrilled at getting a book from the bookstore. The fact that we can go more than 2 meals without needing to run the dishwasher. The general quieter noise level in the car and around the table. The idea that I can keep up with the laundry on less than 2 loads a day.
Throughout all this, I've been itching to dig into my boxes of "extra clothes", wanting to reorganize it all. I keep telling myself that I have to get all the "needs to be done" things finished first. Then, I'll tackle the project that is reorganizing my hand-me-downs, so that I can pull out a certain size and gender on a moment's notice again......
We took a goodbye tour of the school for L during teacher preplanning -- she got to say goodbye to her teacher and some of the staff. She saw the new spirit wear going up on display and got very clingy and whispered that she wished she was going to our school again next year.
O took a walk through the house before we left for the last time, saying goodbye to every room.
When we got to the meeting hand-off location, L was cool and calm with us. Excited to see her mom, with a big hug and grin for her, L climbed in Mom's car very quickly and had to be told (by Mom) to get back out and say goodbye.
O made the rounds of last hugs and I was surprised to see tears welling up. It started when Peter told him goodbye with a big hug, and then O turned to me to say goodbye. I didn't think he would understand how "forever" that goodbye is likely to be, but he sure seemed to!
After that, it was much harder to let O drive off with BioMom than it was to see L go. L was so clearly done with her goodbyes and ready to go before she even got in our car that last time, but O seemed to struggle with it a bit more. I hope he's been OK since, but I'll never really know, will I?
In the time since they left, we've had a family debrief of "how it all went." My house is almost thoroughly clean again and I'm caught up on the laundry. School has started and the house is quiet for long stretches of the day. We've repaired the things L broke in his room. I touched up the paint on his walls, as well.
I'm enjoying the little things. The ability to leave Peter, Susan and Edmund home alone while I run to the grocery store for a short list; it's a 30 minute absence where I'm never more than 5 minutes away, but I can't leave a 12 year old in charge of foster kids of any age. The luxury of knowing that the kids will be thrilled at getting a book from the bookstore. The fact that we can go more than 2 meals without needing to run the dishwasher. The general quieter noise level in the car and around the table. The idea that I can keep up with the laundry on less than 2 loads a day.
Throughout all this, I've been itching to dig into my boxes of "extra clothes", wanting to reorganize it all. I keep telling myself that I have to get all the "needs to be done" things finished first. Then, I'll tackle the project that is reorganizing my hand-me-downs, so that I can pull out a certain size and gender on a moment's notice again......
Monday, July 23, 2012
This is how it's supposed to work
I think I finally found my answer to the people who respond to the news that L and O are leaving us with a concerned look, a gentle hand on my arm and a soft-spoken, "but how are YOU doing?"
This is how it's supposed to work.
These two children spent over a year in my home. I've taken them to school, I've scheduled their appointments, I've soothed their fears, I've cleaned up their vomit. I've documented and reported every nightmare, every difficult question, every inappropriate comment made on a phone call. I've raised them for over a quarter of O's life. And I will miss them when they go.
But, from the beginning, I have known that there was family out there that loved them, that wanted them, that was fighting for them. This was never a potential foster-to-adopt case, no matter how frustrated I (and the court) sometimes got with the family.
Is BioMom a perfect parent? No. But if children only stayed with perfect parents, there wouldn't be an intact family in the world.
Will she continue the work we've done to teach L that she's not O's parent? Probably not. I suspect that L will spend the next ten years or so of her life being Mom's babysitter. She won't be the first oldest-child to do so.
Can BioMom and BioDad continue to work together to provide their kids with everything they need once they know that DFCS isn't watching every move and hearing everything they say to the kids? I don't know.
But none of that is appropriate for me to share with the well-intentioned souls who have loved these children as members of my family and who are now questioning how I will feel about "letting them go." And they will be safe. And loved.
This is how it's supposed to work.
At the root of it all, I am at peace with their return home. I hope and pray that this year of not having her kids with her have helped BioMom grow up some and get her feet under her more firmly. I trust that God has a plan for these kids and their extended family and I try to be confident that I have fulfilled the role He had for me in their lives. I wonder, somewhat wistfully, whether the image of the relationship Mr D and I have will ever surface in L's teenage or young adult mind when she's faced with choices about what kind of man she wants in her life; I'd like to think that, somewhere, she will decide that she wants what we have -- stability, respect, support -- rather than what her mother has had to struggle through on her own. I want that for her.
But what I want is not at issue here. What is "best" for the kids may not even be at issue here, depending on how you define "best." As arrogant as it sounds, they would get better parenting with us. They might have more opportunities for extra activities that cost money and take time with us. But those are not reasons to remove children from their families. BioMom has worked hard to fix the parts of her life that were reasons to remove them, and she has succeeded. It's time for them to go home.
This is how it's supposed to work.
The case isn't over. They are returning home, but the case will remain open. County CW will be dropping by their home unannounced, as will the CASA. There are provisions in the court order that will make it easy for CW to pull them back into care if certain changes BioMom has made are not maintained. If that happens, I am certain they will call us to take them back. I don't yet know what we will say, but that's another post for another day. For now, I am thinking positive, cheering BioMom on to continue the improvements she's made in her life for their sake, and only saying one thing:
This is how it's supposed to work.
This is how it's supposed to work.
These two children spent over a year in my home. I've taken them to school, I've scheduled their appointments, I've soothed their fears, I've cleaned up their vomit. I've documented and reported every nightmare, every difficult question, every inappropriate comment made on a phone call. I've raised them for over a quarter of O's life. And I will miss them when they go.
But, from the beginning, I have known that there was family out there that loved them, that wanted them, that was fighting for them. This was never a potential foster-to-adopt case, no matter how frustrated I (and the court) sometimes got with the family.
Is BioMom a perfect parent? No. But if children only stayed with perfect parents, there wouldn't be an intact family in the world.
Will she continue the work we've done to teach L that she's not O's parent? Probably not. I suspect that L will spend the next ten years or so of her life being Mom's babysitter. She won't be the first oldest-child to do so.
Can BioMom and BioDad continue to work together to provide their kids with everything they need once they know that DFCS isn't watching every move and hearing everything they say to the kids? I don't know.
But none of that is appropriate for me to share with the well-intentioned souls who have loved these children as members of my family and who are now questioning how I will feel about "letting them go." And they will be safe. And loved.
This is how it's supposed to work.
At the root of it all, I am at peace with their return home. I hope and pray that this year of not having her kids with her have helped BioMom grow up some and get her feet under her more firmly. I trust that God has a plan for these kids and their extended family and I try to be confident that I have fulfilled the role He had for me in their lives. I wonder, somewhat wistfully, whether the image of the relationship Mr D and I have will ever surface in L's teenage or young adult mind when she's faced with choices about what kind of man she wants in her life; I'd like to think that, somewhere, she will decide that she wants what we have -- stability, respect, support -- rather than what her mother has had to struggle through on her own. I want that for her.
But what I want is not at issue here. What is "best" for the kids may not even be at issue here, depending on how you define "best." As arrogant as it sounds, they would get better parenting with us. They might have more opportunities for extra activities that cost money and take time with us. But those are not reasons to remove children from their families. BioMom has worked hard to fix the parts of her life that were reasons to remove them, and she has succeeded. It's time for them to go home.
This is how it's supposed to work.
The case isn't over. They are returning home, but the case will remain open. County CW will be dropping by their home unannounced, as will the CASA. There are provisions in the court order that will make it easy for CW to pull them back into care if certain changes BioMom has made are not maintained. If that happens, I am certain they will call us to take them back. I don't yet know what we will say, but that's another post for another day. For now, I am thinking positive, cheering BioMom on to continue the improvements she's made in her life for their sake, and only saying one thing:
This is how it's supposed to work.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Successful Hurdle Leaping!
A few hours after my last post, I got a phone call. It's not all the answers, but it did tell me that BioMom has successfully crossed the last "t". It was safe to tell the kids the transition plan.
And it was safe to begin transitioning their possessions back to BioMom's house with each visit. (They have a lot of possessions, so knowing we'll have 4 or 5 trips to get everything moved is reassuring.)
Doing the Happy Dance.
Everyone asks me if it isn't going to be "so hard" to "let them go."
Maybe it will be when the real day comes.
But, right now? Right now, I am so excited for their BioMom, who has worked her rear end off for months and never missed a chance to visit with her kids. Right now, I am thrilled for these children who have wanted this whole year to "go home" even though "home" was never a place to them--it was a person. Right now, I am ecstatic for my own biological family, which has been wearing thin and needing a prolonged break from the behaviors of L and O.
Right now, I am dancing in the streets.
And it was safe to begin transitioning their possessions back to BioMom's house with each visit. (They have a lot of possessions, so knowing we'll have 4 or 5 trips to get everything moved is reassuring.)
Doing the Happy Dance.
Everyone asks me if it isn't going to be "so hard" to "let them go."
Maybe it will be when the real day comes.
But, right now? Right now, I am so excited for their BioMom, who has worked her rear end off for months and never missed a chance to visit with her kids. Right now, I am thrilled for these children who have wanted this whole year to "go home" even though "home" was never a place to them--it was a person. Right now, I am ecstatic for my own biological family, which has been wearing thin and needing a prolonged break from the behaviors of L and O.
Right now, I am dancing in the streets.
"A few days"
Yeah.
It's been a week since they said "a few days". Now they're saying "maybe by the end of the week."
And I still can't tell the kids anything.
And I still can't plan for anything either as a foster family or as a biological one since I don't know exactly when these transitional visits will be.
And I still have kids jumping out of their skin because they don't know what's going to happen when and I can't tell them.
And the caseworker is ignoring me when I ask for status updates of how that last thing BioMom had to do is going.
And I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and HATING THIS SYSTEM!!!
Grr.
It's been a week since they said "a few days". Now they're saying "maybe by the end of the week."
And I still can't tell the kids anything.
And I still can't plan for anything either as a foster family or as a biological one since I don't know exactly when these transitional visits will be.
And I still have kids jumping out of their skin because they don't know what's going to happen when and I can't tell them.
And the caseworker is ignoring me when I ask for status updates of how that last thing BioMom had to do is going.
And I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and HATING THIS SYSTEM!!!
Grr.
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